Aphrodite Gone

Chapped Skin

Fri, 09 Jan 2004 16:09:20 GMT

I am SO terrible about writing in my LIVE JOURNAL.
It's been months of sheer glory and absolute life, what can I say.
Three days until I am back in the game at NU. I don wanna. Why not?

lump

Mon, 16 Jun 2003 16:59:59 GMT

it's sunny and i am inside doing nothing
it's ridiculous
my nails are short and it's summer
help

NO

Wed, 16 Apr 2003 15:34:01 GMT

I am now absolutely in love with
...
SANDRA LEE MCFADDEN-
I want to write in here from now on. I want more friends. I want to put pictures of people up in here. For instance, me!!! La-De-Da
Picture it, Siciliy 1913, WRESTLING- ME and YOU??? Can you take me on? Grrrrrr
APhrodite Reigns over your body, purple lighting strikes, and Prince sings "God Bless Hungarian Gypsies"

Alright Now

Wed, 11 Dec 2002 19:01:39 GMT

I don't have time to write this journal right now, but there will be an entree coming soon. A sort of tell all. And you know what I'm doing it. Cause I am pissed off. Reading Steph's LJ entries five minutes ago was an eye opener. And so maybe I have a few things to say myself. It's a sort of debate of whether or not it is a good idea to write in my voice, about myself, and about this whole twisted relationship we try to carry on. Being blunt is not my style, unless I am writing- and even then I try and keep it calm. Maybe I will wait till I get home to respond, but I'm insulted and my entree will not be sweet and nice. Im not nasty, but come on. When someone begins the game, you cannot forfeit. Oh yuck. Anyhow-
Jessica feels like shit
Thinks all people are insane here (well with exceptions of course,*** )
Wants to be free
DID I MENTION SHE WILL BE FREE IN TWO DAYS
AHA
And her sisters loves her more than anyone
Some people think I think I am perfect which is a joke because no one is perfect...it is all underlying jealousy fromw hich roots I do not understand.
So what, we are both insane, but I have people to back up my insanity and defend it.
Friendship should be something that is natural, no forces.
and blah blah blah
Oh and just a reminder to self- in next entry ADDRESS the drinking night....How dare Stephanie even comment on my driking, when she used me as a tool to hang out with certain people and told me she thought it would be fun if I got drunk. Maybe that is all I am to her. An excuse to hang out with people here. Good. She doesn't need me anymore. They like her and she can see them on her on. Yes, it's crazy. On top of it she can look down upon me for my one night drinking- there is some cmplex involved here and I think I kno what it is but because saying it wont do anything, I am going to leave.

----ERASABLE----

Thu, 05 Dec 2002 21:55:08 GMT

SNOW DAY!!!
Well, I wasn't able to miss class this morning or work, but I was able to depart early on the snow journey and maybe I will the class sheduled for tonight will be canceled. How will I be informed?. Shhh!! I am so worried. I cannot find my keys anywhere. That's a big secret. Jarrad is asking if anyone would like to smoke some pot...and now he has decided to put soap in the bathroom, and inspiring my own soap owning self, I, too put in some LIQUID soap. Almond scent. I love almond scent. The flavor is enticing, to me. Ohhhhh I don't know why I am writing. I should be doing work- three long papers to write. None started. I'm sorry. Wait, who am I appologizing to. Myself that's who. I cannot get any self control. You know what? I feel like shit, and I have all week long. For the past sixty weeks. If it's not one thing it's another. I have people seeking after my love and I have people seeking after my body (and why? and why I ask?) and I have people rejecting me- those would be, the ones I really am interested in. And then there's my broken heart. I don't know how to mend it, so I ignore it. For now at least. And blad blah blah. The ferret keeps running into my room fo God's sake. It needs to be put away. We had all of our doors open as one big family, and now they are all closed. HOw depressing. I like when everyone's doors are open. That way I can catch a smile, and people will have to talk to me, because YES, I am pathetic. If I didn't know it before I sure as hell know it now, after coming to Hampshire College. Well, that i sa moody comment for a moody girl. A little girl. A little girl with wide thighs and hair on my belly button. I don't appear as hairy as I am. Or maybe I am exaggerating. It's because I saw light hair, and in a moment of utter insanity (happens at l lot) I shaved it and then it grew back thicker. Oh and I just stood in a tiny phone closet with four other people getting high. But I didn't get high. Although, I don't know why I keep putting myself in this position with Jesse because everytime I am with her, she and Laura are all over eachother and that hurts me. When I try no to care, I cannot really help myself. And they giggle and leave their doors open when they are caressing and holding eachother. I love Laura, but I still feel so upset inside with ...eh, I don't know. Write more later. On to better horizons...aol. (screams)
I want to be a good girl
I want to be oh so good
But I can't always be good
Cause I'm an angry woman
Farewell...

LJ for the Very first Time

Thu, 05 Dec 2002 03:35:24 GMT

Drum Role Please...
This is my very first ever, live journal entry. Let me just say the pleasure is all mine. What I am going to try to do here is get down to the core of who I am, by being completely honst to myself in what I put upon this computer screen. I try not to withold anything, but sometimes I wonder if I am even utterly, and completely honest with myself. I will try not to go backwards and talk about the past, but it may come out in hashing out where I am at right now. That is, a very dark, lonely place full of little demons sending my sweat and fevers in the night. Well, I did wake up with a fever this morning, sweating, and late for my class. Too late to go-- and I had everything ready to hand in. I was really upset because I have missed so much from the wisdom tooth tragedy. Incase you are wondering, that was one of the worst weeks of my life, and I wrote about it so I could find some sypathy somewhere. Sometimes we need a little pity. Or at least, I DO! Life is NOT easy for me, and regardless of whether or not that is my own fault, I hurt and feel trapped most of the time. Trapped by my insanity, and the lack of sanity in others. I want everyone to try to be perfect, but what the heck- what is perfect. So I accept, but sometimes I am judgemental and I don't mean to be. Just so you know, I am critical of my own selfish tendancies...not just other people. I am critical of us all. Shouldn't we look at the big picture and try to be unselfish and accept others? Are we striving for goodness? I am trying to strive... Oh strive strive. While I was just setting up this Live Journal a song from Boys on the Side came on, by the one and only MISSY ETHRIDGE- my rockin' guru, called " I take you with me" an it is true. No matter where I am or where I go, I will always take Sarah Pankow with me- her name, her soul, and the strength of the love I have for her. It can be extended to others that I care about- such as family, friends,...Bernadette Ruof. I take them all with me. I care for them so strongly. they are in my heart. She is in my heart, wherever I am. Gees. I wish I could just find the lyrics to that song and put them up here. So, here is how my day went. Woke up late, dressed in gold and black with gold sparkle eyeshadow:quote divine and Aphrodite of me. Dug otu some left over chinese and ran to class. That was after I went to the bathroom. I'd like to address my "journey" situation. Going to the bathroom, as Romy puts it, is going on " a journey": for me at least. This is because I cannot do it with other people around. I avoid public bathrooms, I cannot go in front of anyone I am not comfortable with, I am grossed out by the fact that I have to go, and physically I cannot go when others are around- I have to talk to myself...say giberish...tel myself "Jessica go go go" and then sometimes even when I am home alone I still cannot go right away...must talk and form distraction in order to release--- Anyhow, this isn't significant, but it is an issue in my small world. If I have to go, I pack up for the journey. I bring my sprays with me. The spray is my weaponry to create the illusion that I haven't gone. Back to today. Whoa. One day at a time Jessica. One journey at a time. Classes were okay. I had to read a poem which I didn't realize I woul have to do. I revealed myself and read the divine poem that little outspoken Alex Levy brought to me, called "If I were her lover" by some man in Alfred Lord Tennyson's time: Madison Julius Cawein. I love that poem. It is exactly how I feel for Sarah. Brown eyes, sighs, and waiting. That's us. The us that does't exist in this life, but only in my mind's creation. If I go to my religious self, I will pray that God does with me his will--- that I am just meant to love someone else. Hard to accept since there is no one else and my heart is all heavy and sweet for her. Nothing can compare to the sweetness of that fantasy, which frankly could be reality if three factors were solid: The she was a lesbian, that she loved me, and that she would not be afraid. But for boundaries sake, I am here and she is there living her independent life- which is lovely, might I add. I haven't written in so long. Funny how as soon as I start writing it revolves around the moon in my sky- the sarah moon. Her Goddess self is Hecate, Goddess of the moon. Just in case you were wondering. She was formally Athena, who was one of the only able to resist the lovely Aphrodite, but... now she is Heccate. Maybe sometime my power will overcome her. In that dream she cannot force from her divine sleep. Blah blah. Go on little foolish Jessica. What else. I went to dinner and sang lots of good Angela Lansbury musical songs LOUDLY to the dismay of our table. Michelle really, sincerely seemed to enjoy it, which made me want to give her a hug. She is realy sweet and I care a lot about her. My daughter is Theresa, but Michelle was adopted when a heart appeared out of the moon. Alex loves musicals, and she is a happy girl. I hope everything in life works out for her. We have funny conversations about egg colored ice cream, ballerina boys accross the tables, and embarassment. One thing that is important for me to mention. Someone needs to stop me. I am eating everything all the time. I am never full. I could just eat and eat all day and night. I eat or I bite my nails. The nails are short and the tummys full, so what will I do when I start doing my homework and I cannot focus so I start to need something to chew on. Half the time I will spend more time biting my nails than working. My best work is done at 2 am. Actually, maybe it isn't...but that is when I do it. So after dinner and ice cream, I still had cookies and I will have tea later and wish for food that isn't here. I haven't done any work. I am crying right now listening to "anything you want" that Whoopi Goldberg sings at the end of the movie. i am going to send a card to Ms Pankow. All I can do is accept what she can give me and forever be here to give her the love she will allow me to give her. It is so deep within me. I didn't think I would be able to love like this. The rest of the nigh I danced in my room, and here I am so there is nothing more to say. Actually, there is more to say. Always more. But it's late and I am cutting myself off. Tomorrow I have a long day an I am internally aching. Each night is sad. Each love song fills me in some way. The only thing I can focus on is love. Oh, hell young lovers whereever you are... I have a love of my own.
Goodnight my friends, strangers, human creatures of the earth, and... Sarah. Sleep well.
Jessica